The Case Of The Thirteen Captains
by incandescens
Summary: Captain Shunsui and his faithful ViceCaptain are drawn into a murder investigation. Not particularly serious, and all due homage to Conan Doyle. Set in Soul Society in a vague AUish sort of way.
1. Chapter One

**THE ADVENTURE OF THE THIRTEEN CAPTAINS**

**CHAPTER ONE**

It was in the summer of the year ---- that I and Captain Kyouraku encountered the most challenging case yet of my Captain's career. It was a prolonged and dangerous investigation which tested his faculties and many times brought him to the very brink of death. I write this document with the intention of enclosing it in the Division Archives, in case of future need, but trust that it will never be necessary to reveal the true facts to the light of day. Alas, my confident expectations are that we will have another crisis within the decade. At the very least.

It was a pleasant summer morning. I was working on the Division records, while my Captain was reclined on the couch, his regular snoring causing his hat to smoothly rise and fall. I was on the point of rousing him to enquire whether he intended to sleep through the upcoming Captains' meeting as well, when Captain Ukitake Juushirou burst through the door, his normally exquisite composure deranged by some as yet unknown force.

I started to my feet. "Sir!" I cried. "What is it?" With a toe I disturbed Captain Kyouraku from his meditations, sure that he would wish to know what so troubled his friend.

Captain Ukitake clasped a hand to his brow. "The most dreadful thing has happened!"

My Captain lifted his hat from his face and stared, astonished. "What might that be?"

Captain Ukitake staggered across to the chair (which I had by now vacated) and sank into it. "I fear that I have poisoned young Hitsugaya."

"Not a jury in the world would convict you," my Captain murmured, replacing his hat.

"Why do you think so, sir?" I enquired, driven to find out more about this strange occurrence, and sure that Captain Kyouraku himself would have been more eager to learn more, had he not taken quite so much alcohol the night before.

Captain Ukitake gestured vaguely, his elegant hand trembling with shock. "I had only just mentioned to him that I had a new package of pickled plums. No sooner did I speak than he was prying them from my hands and devouring them -- much as usual, really. But then he turned a strange shade of yellow, began to choke, and fell down foaming at the mouth!"

"Good god!" I cried. "This is appalling! Could it be some allergy?"

"I fear not," Captain Ukitake answered. "He has eaten my pickled plums many times before, but never with such alarming results."

"Where is he now?" my Captain inquired, raising himself from a recumbent position to a semi-recumbent one.

Captain Ukitake clasped his brow again. "I had quite forgotten! I left him outside in your waiting room."

I rushed out, to find the youthful form of Captain Hitsugaya propped in our umbrella stand and drooling passively upon the floor. His face was blenched, his breathing fast, and he had an unwholesome air the likes of which I have only seen upon my Captain after the most vigorous of all-night benders. Captain Kyouraku sprang to his assistance, while I fetched a mop to once again render the floor traversable.

Returning to my Captain's office, I found him assisting Captain Hitsugaya by holding him outside the window and agitating him vigorously. This seemed to be working, as Captain Hitsugaya now had a much healthier colour, and was even managing to struggle and scream for help. Dragging him in by his ankles, I carried him over to the couch and laid him down there, chafing his hands and fetching him a glass of water.

Behind me, with his usual keen perception, my Captain was questioning Captain Ukitake.

"Are you sure it was the plums?"

"Well, it was directly after eating them that Hitsugaya-kun began choking and fell over."

"Hm." My Captain began to pace with leonine resolve. "The evidence mounts up . . . Did you insert the poison in the plums yourself?"

"Shunsui!" Captain Ukitake protested. "How can you think that I would do any such thing?"

"Well, there were all the times you have complained about him eating your food --"

"A minor problem, easily dealt with."

"-- the lack of emotional maturity --"

"A mere youth needs time to grow into such things."

"-- the tendency to make, what was it, 'smart-assed comments in front of his seniors' --"

"Something which age and physical force will correct."

"-- his monopolising of one of the best-stacked beauties in all the Divisions . . . not that I meant to imply anything against my beloved Nanao-chan, did I, Nanao-chan?"

Rising to my feet and giving my Captain a glance which I trust fully expressed my feelings, I asked, "From where did you obtain the plums, Captain Ukitake?"

Captain Ukitake turned his head thoughtfully, eyes vague with thought. "Hm. I believe that I found the package on my doorstep this morning, in an unmarked box, with a label that said merely **For Captain Ukitake** and was unsigned. Naturally I assumed that it was the generous gift of some admirer."

"Do you receive such things often, sir?" I asked sympathetically.

Captain Ukitake sighed wearily. "All the time, my dear Nanao. For some reason, my elegant demeanour and quiet nobility cause people to constantly throw themselves at my feet and offer anonymous presents. I do my best to live with it, but with my Vice-Captain gone, I find myself somewhat stretched . . ."

My Captain coughed somewhat loudly. "What she meant, Juushirou, is do you get _poisoned_ gifts often?"

"Oh." Captain Ukitake frowned. "Well, while I will admit that there has been the occasional episode of drugged wine, such as that time --"

My Captain had another coughing fit, which unfortunately caused me to miss the next few words.

"-- this is the first time that someone has apparently attempted to poison me," Captain Ukitake concluded. "Or perhaps it is simply a case of young Hitsugaya's metabolism being unable to cope with the substance?"

"Easy enough to settle." My Captain leapt into action, sweeping Hitsugaya up into his arms. "Our next stop shall be the Fourth Division!"

I frowned. "Surely for scientific analysis, it should be the Twelfth Division, sir?"

Captain Kyouraku smiled at me. "While I would normally agree with you, my Nanao-chan, in this case we want Hitsugaya to survive."

I blushed at my error, apologised, and followed the three Captains.

---

The entrance to the Fourth Division compound was as busy as usual. To one side was the queue for Eleventh Division inmates, which was, as ever, stretching round the corner and nearly round the compound, attended to by an elderly receptionist who seemed to have certain hearing problems, judging by her ear-trumpet, but who was keeping order firmly with her cane. To the other side was the queue for everyone else, attended by several receptionists and moving briskly through the doors. Naturally, the Captains strode directly to the front of the queues, and were passed through without a moment's hesitation, while Captain Unohana was summoned.

Captain Unohana arrived within a few minutes, and naturally sprang to the obvious conclusion, demanding of my Captain exactly how much alcohol he had "foisted on the innocent boy" and whether he took pleasure in corrupting the youth of today or if it was simply a hobby. Much as I would have liked to hear more, I felt it necessary to intervene and explain the unfortunate situation.

After examining Captain Hitsugaya, Captain Unohana gave it as her medical opinion that he would recover. While money changed hands in the background, she also commented that he had been poisoned with a particularly rapid yet subtle poison, which would be difficult to procure under the best of circumstances.

"Would the Twelfth Division have access to such substances, Captain?" I asked, taking notes as I did so.

Captain Unohana frowned. "I believe so, Vice-Captain Ise. Indeed, I remember Captain Kurotsuchi showing a sample of it off at a recent demonstration he gave which was attended by all the Captains and Vice-Captains -- no, wait, I recall that you and Captain Kyouraku weren't present at the time, as he was suffering from emotional disturbance and you were supplying black coffee and cold water."

I nodded in agreement, remembering that episode far more keenly than I would have liked. "So it would have been possible for any of the Captains or Vice-Captains to accidentally pick up some contaminated pickled plums at that demonstration?"

Captain Unohana nodded. "Contaminated pickled plums, contaminated chocolate, contaminated strawberries -- Captain Kurotsuchi was in one of his more enthusiastic moods."

"Aha!" my Captain declared loudly. "So it could all have been an accident. Some admirer, wanting to present Juushirou here with pickled plums for his favourite dish of boiled rice with pickled plums and green tea, thoughtlessly picked up a few plums from the demonstration --"

"Ignoring the large signs in red letters stating **POISON, TAKE ONLY IF YOU ARE PREPARED TO SUBMIT EXPERIMENTAL REPORTS**," Captain Unohana added.

"Could it have been Kenpachi?" Captain Ukitake wondered out loud.

"-- and modestly presented them to Juushirou anonymously --"

"Not Kenpachi," Captain Ukitake concluded.

"-- but poor Hitsugaya unfortunately poisoned himself by eating them," my Captain concluded.

Awed as I was by my Captain's deductive skills, I felt it my duty to comment. "Sir, does it not seem to you that this requires a somewhat extreme chain of coincidences, and that it might simply be an attempt to murder Captain Ukitake? Or to murder Captain Hitsugaya, knowing that he would attempt to eat the plums?"

All present looked to Captain Ukitake, then to Captain Hitsugaya.

"Sadly plausible," Captain Unohana concurred. "Fortunately you are investigating it, Shunsui. I look forward to your conclusions."

"Indeed." Captain Ukitake put a manly hand on my Captain's shoulder. "I am reassured, knowing that you have the case in hand."

Captain Kyouraku rose to his feet from the couch on which he had flung himself, and adjusted his hat. "Of course! Come, my lovely Nanao-chan! The game is afoot!"

---


	2. Chapter Two

**THE CASE OF THE THIRTEEN CAPTAINS**

**CHAPTER TWO**

My Captain halted outside Fourth Division, the wind playing with the folds of his pink robe, his hat tilted as he thoughtfully scrutinized the horizon. I was silent, not wishing to disturb his great mind in the process of cogitation.

Eventually he remarked, "I wonder whether Kurotsuchi still has that alchemical brandy distiller?"

I shook my head affectionately. How like him to conceal his deep thoughts with such a light-minded remark! I had the utmost confidence that instead of being preoccupied by alcohol and women, he was instead concerned with the potential murder which we had nearly witnessed, and the possible suspects.

Indeed, when I considered the possible suspects, the mystery became even more confusing. Assuming that they were restricted to those who had been present at Captain Kurotsuchi's demonstration, this still meant that all the Captains and the Vice-Captains had the opportunity. But the motive? Perhaps that was where the vital clue could lie. After all, why should anyone want to murder Captain Ukitake or Captain Hitsugaya?

Apart from the obvious reasons concerning Captain Hitsugaya, that was.

"Come!" Captain Kyouraku instructed, gesturing towards Twelfth Division. "If we hurry, we should be in time for the noon experiments!"

---

Ahead of us reared the overly dramatic Twelfth Division headquarters, its darkly looming towers interestingly backlit by a selection of violently coloured explosions. A particularly vigorous one fluttered our robes and tugged at our sleeves. I allowed my Captain to lead the way, relying on his broad shoulders and manly build to stop any projectiles before they hit me.

Fortunately it was easy to find Captain Kurotsuchi. He was in the company of his Vice-Captain, Kurotsuchi Nemu, who was following him and taking notes while he inspected his latest experiments into vampirism and set out his plans for the transformation of the Academy into an organisation run strictly upon scientific principles.

". . .and naturally we shall instigate cloning tanks at the first opportunity . . . why, Kyouraku! What a surprise!" He thoughtfully wiped his hand on a once-white robe before offering it to my Captain to be shaken. "To what do I owe the extremely rare experience of your company?"

Captain Kyouraku smiled and avoided the attempt to take a blood sample. "Just dropping by, old chap. I was interested in that poison demonstration of yours the other day, but I'm afraid I missed it."

Captain Kurotsuchi sneered. "Hah! Your loss. Why, all your colleagues were present, and together we made great strides in the advancement of scientific progress!"

"Really?" my Captain asked. "What did you find out?"

Vice-Captain Kurotsuchi Nemu coughed and began to recite. "5.00pm, introductory address by Captain Kurotsuchi. 5.01pm, attempt by Vice-Captain Yachiru to sample poisoned strawberries. 5.02pm, attempt by Captain Zaraki to smash table while screaming oh no you don't, you bastards, I knew you were behind it all along. 5.03pm, general brawl and release of bankai. 5.05pm, turned around to observe all samples of poisoned food gone from table."

Captain Kurotsuchi nodded proudly. "You see?"

"Hmm." My Captain rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "And did you observe anything unusual?"

There was a long pause. Eventually Captain Kurotsuchi volunteered, "Well, I did notice Ichimaru Gin smiling a lot."

I noted all this down. "Was there anything else strange, sir?"

"Hm." Captain Kurotsuchi shrugged. "Well, there was an attempt to stab me in the back, a substitution of a shaped charge for my cellphone, a tripwire directly next to the Absolute Destiny Apocalypse Hollow Experimentation Facility, and the unexpected firebombing of my bedroom later that night, but I prefer to think of that as merely the hazards of scientific enquiry." He looked nobly towards the horizon. "Such are the dangers we must risk for truth!"

I looked in shock to Captain Kyouraku. Could this be the work of the murderer, attempting to cover his or her tracks?

Captain Kyouraku merely nodded. "Now, one more question. Speaking purely from an experimental point of view, and assuming no consequences, which Captain would you have wanted to test the poison on?"

I gasped. Vice-Captain Kurotsuchi Nemu remained impassive. Captain Kurotsuchi, however, visibly brightened. "What an interesting and scientific question! From purely physical principles, I'd choose Zaraki -- it would allow me to test the upper limits of shinigami endurance."

"And not one of the more average specimens?" my Captain asked idly.

"Why, no. Of course not. Even an idiot like Nemu here," he slapped his daughter across the back of her head, causing her to stagger, "would be able to see the fallacy there. What would the point be in poisoning someone whose health is less than perfect? I wouldn't be able to get properly standardised results at all." His tone became pensive. "I suppose if I had them at my mercy, suitably restrained, and could issue small doses while adjusting the level and noting the results . . ."

"Well, thank you very much," Captain Kyouraku said hastily. "No, no, nothing too serious; I'm just investigating the fact that apparently Hitsugaya-kun was poisoned with some of your stuff -- no, no, I'm afraid he will survive, in fact he's currently in the care of Captain Unohana . . ."

But Captain Kurotsuchi's eyes were already glazing over with a mad lust for data. "Nemu!" he screamed. "Fetch me the experimental equipment, you fool! Fetch me the recording devices! Fetch me the proctoscope! We're visiting Fourth Division!" He sprang towards the gate, impatience evident in his every step.

His Vice-Captain followed him quietly, and I could not help observing as we left how her gaze dwelt lovingly on the spot between Captain Kurotsuchi's shoulder-blades.

---

We made our way round to the Thirteenth Division next, as Captain Kyouraku declared that we needed to examine any traces that might have been left behind by whoever deposited the poisoned plums. "Such as the box, for a start. Now if we can find it . . ."

"Captain Ukitake left it in the waste paper basket in the anteroom to your office, sir," I reminded him.

He beamed at me. "A good point! In that case, perhaps we can learn something from the place where it was left, or the label which was on it -- never underestimate the opportunity to examine the scene of the crime in person, Nanao-chan!"

As usual, the Thirteenth Division was the scene of violent battle. Empty bottles littered the floor, the furniture showed the scars of repeated blows from zanpakutou or heads, and the two Third Seats duelled for who should have the honour of awakening their Captain with a cup of tea, apparently unaware that he had already risen and left. Indeed, so engrossed were they in their duel that it took a certain amount of shouting for Captain Kyouraku to get them to notice his presence.

While they were bowing and apologising for their lack of attention, I took advantage of their preoccupation with Captain Kyouraku to quickly step into Captain Ukitake's office and look around. All seemed as usual -- the piles of untouched administrative documents on the desk, the shelf of hairbrushes, the well-cushioned chair, the picture of Shiba Kaien with little hearts drawn around it signed **Your Adoring R----**, the jars of yang-improving potions which Captain Ukitake had often explained that he took solely for his cough, and the other impedimenta of office life. Underneath the desk, where it had been blown by the draught from the window, I found a small label bearing the writing **For Captain Ukitake**, in a handwriting that I could only describe as small and feminine. Nothing else seemed of any great significance.

I stepped outside again to find my Captain condoling with the two Third Seats in their grief over their Captain's attempted murder. On one shoulder wept Third Seat Kotetsu Kiyone; on the other shoulder wept Third Seat Kotsubaki Sentarou. I noticed that my Captain's reassuring hands gravitated more to the former than to the latter, but hesitated a moment to hear what they had to say.

"And he never notices me!" sniffled Third Seat Kotetsu. "I do everything I can to get his attention! I bring him tea in the morning and wine in the evening! I wear my robes off the shoulder! I dance naked in front of his window!"

"It's not fair!" snivelled Third Seat Kotsubaki. "He doesn't give me a moment of his time! I weed his garden! I procure his drugs! I throw myself at his feet and beg for a single glance from his dazzlingly perfect eyes!"

Thinking this might be the right moment to interrupt, I stepped forward and coughed. "Sir, might the Third Seats not be more useful guarding their Captain's body -- ah, that is, bodyguarding him, in case this murderer attempts to strike again?"

"An excellent idea!" Captain Kyouraku released the two Third Seats to draw me to his side and embrace me affectionately, and it was only by firmly interposing my book that I was able to pry him away. "And we must be off ourselves. Come, my friends --"

"Sir," I pointed out, "they have already left. Observe the hole in the wall."

"My lovely Nanao-chan is brilliantly perceptive!" he crooned. "Now, what did you find?"

"Only this, sir." I passed him the small label. "It would seem to be either a woman's handwriting, or an attempt to imitate a woman's handwriting."

Captain Kyouraku raised it to eye level and frowned at it. "This isn't a woman's handwriting I know, Nanao-chan. That drastically narrows down the field."

I had to admit that he probably had a point there. "In that case, sir, where shall we try next?"

"Hm." He picked up a piece of straw and chewed it meditatively. "Perhaps it would be best to visit all the Captains and their Vice-Captains, to gauge the likelihood of them being behind this . . . urrgh . . . arghh . . ."

"Sir," I pointed out somewhat too late, "that is one of Captain Ukitake's cough-potion-stirrers that you are sucking."

---


	3. Chapter Three

**THE CASE OF THE THIRTEEN CAPTAINS**

**CHAPTER THREE**

Once my Captain had recovered, he suggested that we call in on the other Divisions while circling back towards Fourth Division in order to find out Captain Hitsugaya's current condition. As he pointed out, this would also allow Captain Kurotsuchi to undertake any appropriate actions in our absence, and would cause us to avoid the possible (not to say probable) confrontation between him and Captain Unohana. It took me merely a moment's thought to approve this course of action.

Our first port of call was naturally Eleventh Division. In order to penetrate this lair of scoundrels, iniquity, and loutishness, Captain Kyouraku used the back door. Since most of the Division was encamped around the front gates with the intent of challenging any casual visitors to fights to the death, this succeeded admirably, and we were able to penetrate almost to Captain Zaraki's private quarters before we were stopped by a pair of ruffians. Careful observation identified them as Madarame Ikkaku and Ayasegawa Yumichika, Third and Fifth Seats respectively.

"Halt and be -- arrgh! Get her off me! Get her off me!" observed Third Seat Madarame.

"If you wouldn't mind -- not the eyebrow! Not the eyebrow!" declared Fifth Seat Ayasegawa.

The two took flight down the corridor, leaving behind a small pink-haired comet orbiting at low altitude. She seized onto Captain Kyouraku's robe with her teeth, at that point becoming identifiable as Vice-Captain Kusajishi Yachiru.

"Yachiru!" my Captain exclaimed with his usual effusive friendliness. "What a pleasant surprise to see you!"

"Have you come to fight Ken-chan?" the Vice-Captain enquired with vigorous directness.

"Ah, not at this precise moment --"

"Because you're not getting through unless someone's going to fight him," she stated firmly.

"-- but I think that my lovely Nanao-chan here has ambitions in that direction," my Captain stated, thrusting me firmly forward from behind before I had the chance to deny these spurious and utterly unworthy lies of his.

Bounding with eagerness, the Vice-Captain dragged me forward and through several doors (fortunately remembering to open them first) until, leaving behind a trail of Eleventh Division members who had attempted to get in her way, she led me into the presence of Captain Zaraki Kenpachi. He slouched in a large wicker-work chair marred by the scars of gnawing teeth, his battered sword lying unsheathed across his lap, his spiked hair casting a horrifying shadow across the wall behind him, as he observed his minions duelling.

"Ken-chan!" the Vice-Captain squawked. "I've brought you someone to fight!"

Captain Zaraki raised one hand. A silence fell. Even the injured who were attempting to crawl from the duelling field ceased their pitiful moaning. He turned his one-eyed gaze upon me, and I cannot deny that my mind turned to such things as immediate flight, pausing only to tap-dance upon the mangled form of my Captain in passing.

"You want to fight me?" he growled.

Captain Kyouraku stepped forward. "You want to fight him, my lovely Nanao-chan? I cannot permit this! Though I have no doubts which way the fight would go, I refuse to lose the best Vice-Captain I have ever had! I forbid you to challenge Captain Zaraki!"

Captain Zaraki scowled. "You spoil all my fun."

"I submit to my Captain's wishes," I murmured, suppressing any urge I might have had to say something stronger.

"Bah." He turned to Captain Kyouraku. "So. Whaddya want?"

"I'm investigating," my Captain said. "Do you know anything about an attempt to poison Ukitake?"

"I wouldn't poison him," Captain Zaraki stated. "I'd just take my sword and --"

"Yes, yes," my Captain said hastily. "Or about an attempt to poison Hitsugaya?"

"Same thing." He made an improper yet highly illustrative gesture with his battered sword.

"Or about the theft of poison from Kurotsuchi's recent experiments?"

Captain Zaraki sighed. "Look, Shunsui, I don't do poisons. I'm a simple man. I just do violent bloody death."

"True," my Captain agreed. He looked at the Eleventh Division Vice-Captain, as though considering repeating his questions, then just shrugged. "Thanks for your time. No, no, I can see myself out."

---

Tenth Division, my Captain stated cheerfully, would be empty at the moment, what with Vice-Captain Matsumoto rushing to her Captain's assistance, and everyone else seizing the opportunity to have an unscheduled holiday. I could not but agree. We passed it by.

---

Ninth Division was its usual quiet, unassuming self, to the extent that Captain Kyouraku almost walked past the main gate while chewing on a blade of grass.

"Sir," I pointed out, "you had said that you wished to check all the Divisions.

He sighed. "As ever, my beautiful Nanao-chan keeps my feet firmly on the path of duty." With faltering steps he made his way to the Captain's office, and thrust the door open onto a room of total darkness.

We squinted into it, but could see nothing.

"Tousen?" my Captain eventually called. "Are you in there?"

"I am," an echoing voice replied. I recognised the melodic tones of Captain Tousen Kaname, accompanied by some odd straining noises of leather and rope in the background.

"You haven't got any light in there!" Captain Kyouraku pointed out.

"I don't need it," Captain Tousen replied. "Do come in. Be careful where you put your feet."

My Captain surveyed the dark void in front of him, inky as the mouth of the Abyss, and hesitated. "I'd hate to disturb you . . . Perhaps if I could speak to your Vice-Captain?"

"Oh, he's in here too," Captain Tousen remarked. "I'm afraid he's a bit tied up at the moment, though -- perhaps I can help you?"

"Ah. You wouldn't know anything about attempts to poison Ukitake, would you?"

There was a pause. "Lethally or non-lethally?" Captain Tousen inquired.

"Lethally," my Captain confirmed.

"Oh. Nothing at all. Sorry about that."

"Or any attempts to poison Hitsugaya? Lethally," Captain Kyouraku added quickly.

"None at all," Captain Tousen replied. "I take it they failed?"

"Indeed. See Fourth Division for the latest news," my Captain recommended. "Finally, did you notice anyone making off with the poison from Kurotsuchi's latest demonstration?"

"I can't say I was really watching," Captain Tousen answered with a sigh. "I was deriving far more amusement from observing Gin with his Vice-Captain . . . any further questions?"

"No, no," my Captain said hastily. "We'll leave you to your vice -- er, to your work. Till later."

We departed, with what seemed to me to be unusual rapidity on my Captain's part. I could only silently applaud his devotion to duty.

---

We reached Seventh Division without further incident. On the door of the Captain's office hung a sign.

**BROODING. GO AWAY.**

"Anything serious?" my Captain asked Vice-Captain Iba Tetsuzaemon.

The Vice-Captain smoothed his moustache and adjusted his sunglasses. "Just one of the usual minor problems, sir. You know how it is. One little bankai, major property destruction, and the Captain has to cover it from the Division budget."

I suddenly recollected the swathes of wreckage to our right as we had entered the Division.

"Ah well," Captain Kyouraku said merrily, "nothing serious, then. In the meantime -- did you notice anything unusual at that latest poison demonstration of Kurotsuchi's?"

The Vice-Captain frowned thoughtfully. "I remember that Captain Byakuya seemed pensive, sir. And Vice-Captain Abarai was looking depressed."

"Hm," my Captain opined. "Thank you for your time. Remind old Komamura that at least it's not as bad as that time they had to mend most of First Division . . ."

There was a deep, pained groan from behind the door.

"Ah, we'll be on our way," my Captain said hastily.

---

As ever, Sixth Division was immaculately ordered and precisely run. It was with a feeling of shame that I saw my Captain lounging across the carefully manicured garden and dangling his feet in the lily pond, quite ignoring the big signs up that said **No Walking On The Grass By Order. K.B.**

Captain Kuchiki Byakuya himself sat in the shade of a plum tree, robe and scarf perfectly arranged, a classic figure poised against the blossom-strewn ground. Vice-Captain Abarai Renji hovered loutishly in the background, tattoos prominent in the afternoon light.

"Kindly explain further," Captain Kuchiki stated. "You believe that there was an attempt to poison Captain Ukitake? Or Hitsugaya? Might I ask why?"

"Oh, it was straightforward enough," my Captain said blandly. "I'll let my lovely Nanao-chan here summarise the evidence."

Captain Kuchiki regarded me in an arctic manner, and barely raised one eyebrow.

I would not wish to disappoint Captain Kyouraku. I opened my book and began to describe our investigation from the earliest stages. By the time that I had finished, Vice-Captain Abarai had fallen asleep leaning against the tree and was snoring loudly, mouth open, while Captain Kuchiki was blinking in a somewhat irregular fashion.

"There you are!" my Captain stated, appearing with slightly suspicious haste from the direction of Captain Kuchiki's study. "Now if I may ask a few further questions?"

"Of course," Captain Kuchiki said hastily, prodding his Vice-Captain firmly and causing the latter to awaken with a cry of, "Oh yes! Yes! Yes, R --urgh?"

"Hm." Captain Kyouraku sank down to recline on the grass again. "I don't suppose either of you can think of anyone with a motivation to poison either Captain?"

Captain Kuchiki hesitated. "Far be it from me to impute slanderous motivations to any of my fellow-Captains . . ."

"Oh, please do," my Captain suggested blandly.

". . . but I suspect a conspiracy," Captain Kuchiki stated coldly. "How else could so large a plot go undetected for so long?"

Captain Kyouraku frowned. "A large plot?"

"Clearly." Captain Kuchiki steepled his fingers. "How else could they have concealed their existence, if not for agents everywhere?"

"With agents everywhere?"

"Obviously, otherwise they could not conceal their existence."

My Captain frowned, and I must confess that I was somewhat staggered by this hypothesis myself. "I will take this under consideration," he finally stated. "I don't suppose you've got any confirming evidence? Or suspicions as to who's behind it?"

"I suspect everyone," Captain Kuchiki murmured. "Renji. Show them out."

On the way out, Vice-Captain Abarai attempted to divert our suspicions by casual prattle, attempts to discuss the local drinking establishments, and comparisons of the bosoms of various female members of the Divisions. Naturally, my Captain was not deceived by these pitiful sidetracks, and his enthusiastic discussion of figures was merely a method to gain control of the conversation. Within a few minutes he had diverted the Vice-Captain's statements into a monologue on the subject of the Kuchiki family, his admiration for its members, his vigorous devotion to them, and his hopeless desire for them. In fact, by the end of the conversation, the Vice-Captain was snivelling on my Captain's shoulder while my Captain recommended suitable courses of action, but this is by no means unknown when discussing matters of the heart with my Captain, which is why I take care never to do such a thing.

Once we had rid ourselves of the Vice-Captain, I enquired what my Captain had found in Captain Kuchiki's study.

"Poetry, my lovely Nanao-chan," he answered. "Very much in the classical model. While I cannot be sure whom it might be addressed to, lines such as "the tattoos on your white jade body" and "the crimson silk of your luxurious hair like a curtain across your naked torso" could be suggestive."

I took off my glasses and polished them. At moments like this, words seemed inadequate.

---

Fifth Division was running as smoothly as ever. Captain Aizen Sousuke received us in his study, and immediately dispatched his Vice-Captain Hinamori Momo to fetch tea for us. He was suitably shocked to hear of the poisoning, and expressed his inability to conceive that any of the other Captains or Vice-Captains could possibly have done such a thing.

I idly scanned the titles of the books on his shelves as he conversed with my Captain, while sipping from the cup of tea that the trembling Vice-Captain had brought. They seemed perfectly normal for a Captain in Soul Society: **How To Make Friends And Influence People**, **A Dozen Habits Of Highly Effective People**, **Personal Empowerment For Would-Be Demiurges**, **Godhood For Those Who Deserve It**, **Let's You And Him Fight**, **Using Those Around You Without Mercy**, and so on.

Vice-Captain Hinamori Momo tugged at my sleeve, and with a polite nod to both Captains I stepped into the corridor with her. She looked up at me with big eyes, and murmured, "Is it true that Shirou-chan -- that is, Captain Hitsugaya -- has been poisoned and is on the brink of death and demanding funeral rites?"

"It's true that he has been poisoned," I replied cautiously. "I wouldn't believe some of the wilder rumours."

Hinamori gasped, hand covering her mouth. "But that's awful! Why did he eat the plums! Weren't they given to Captain Ukitake?"

"They were indeed," I agreed, "but it seems Captain Ukitake generously shared them. We are not yet sure who was the true intended victim."

The 5th Division Vice-Captain trembled. "But why would anyone possibly want to poison Shirou-chan? He's the most gentle, generous, sweetest, kindest-hearted -- well, except for Captain Aizen, that is." Her eyes shone with hero-worship. "Perhaps it's all a big mistake? And someone left the plums outside Captain Ukitake's door because they thought they were just cough medicine?"

"It could be," I tactfully agreed, "but I fear that it isn't. Besides, how could someone have confused Captain Kurotsuchi's newest poison with cough medicine?"

She set her lips mulishly. "I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation . . . oh look, here comes your Captain now!"

Indeed, it was my Captain, accompanied by Captain Aizen, who was kind enough to pat my shoulder and enquire about my latest reading matter. He is always the most polite and understanding gentleman. I cannot understand why my Captain was muttering about "soft soap" and "stealing my beloved Nanao-chan's attention" as we left the Divisional compound.

---

From where we stood, we could see the clouds of smoke and collapsing buildings, and hear the declarations of shikai and bankai that drifted from the Fourth Division. Clearly Captain Kurotsuchi was still visiting. It seemed politic to check the Third and Second Divisions rather than to further complicate the situation with our presence.

---

"Of course I know nothing about any of it," Captain Ichimaru Gin of the Third Division commented. He had come out to meet us at the gate of his Divisional compound, making light-hearted quips about how he couldn't possibly let us see the army of demon ninjas he was training. Captain Ichimaru is always ready with a witty comment of that nature. I believe it may be a pathological condition. "Why, I'm quite shocked to hear about it. Wouldn't have thought it of any of them."

"Thought what?" Captain Kyouraku enquired, chewing on a new blade of grass.

"Well, the poisoning attempts, you know." Captain Ichimaru beamed sunnily. "Sounds like a devious plan. A positive mastermind. A Nobunaga of crime. Gee, I almost wish I knew who it was so that I could take lessons." He snapped his fingers. "Kira!"

Vice-Captain Kira Izuru cringed to attention from where he had been quivering. "Sir!"

"Take a note. I figure we'll have some . . . private discussions later."

"Sir!" his Vice-Captain twitched, and retreated again, eyes fixed loyally on his Captain's lean and muscular body.

"So -- no theories, then?" my Captain enquired. "No ideas as to who might hold a grudge?"

"Well, yes, kinda." Captain Ichimaru smiled further. "I figure there's two people in the case -- providing an alibi for each other, ya know? They've got motivation -- long-term association with Ukitake, or a grudge against Hitsugaya -- and they've got the smarts to steal the poison or get someone else to steal it for them. And the best thing is --"

"They're currently doing the investigation?" Captain Kyouraku enquired in a friendly and polite manner that crisped the grass around him for five paces.

"Only joking," Captain Ichimaru added, as he slipped back through the gate and it shut behind him, leaving his Vice-Captain to scramble hastily over the wall to join him.

My Captain turned to eye me up and down. I interposed my book when his gaze fixed itself upon my chest. "My beautiful Nanao-chan," he queried, "did you poison anybody?"

"No, sir," I said resignedly. "Did you?"

"Certainly not!" he declared. "Now that we've got that sorted out, let's be on our way."

I had to reflect, as I followed him, on how simple it would have been to have obtained a sample of that poison by entering in disguise during the exhibition, and using Captain Kyouraku's hangover as an alibi. But of course I would never do any such thing. Unless the situation required it, naturally.

---

As we approached Second Division, a ninja agent appeared from shadow, holding a placard in front of him. It read, **WE ARE FULLY AWARE OF YOUR INVESTIGATION AND WISH TO STATE THAT WE WERE NOT INVOLVED. SOI FONG, SECOND DIVISION CAPTAIN.**

Captain Kyouraku paused to examine the placard. "Her own calligraphy," he remarked aside to me. "I recall it from those many occasions . . ."

Another ninja agent appeared with a second placard. **SO YOU CAN BE ON YOUR WAY. RIGHT NOW. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO.**

"I don't suppose you have any suspicions or evidence?" my Captain enquired of the thin air in front of him.

A third ninja agent slunk out of the shadows and raised his placard. **I SUSPECT EVERYONE. IT'S MY JOB. EVER SINCE _SHE_ LEFT ME HERE WITHOUT A SINGLE WORD AND RAN OFF INTO EXILE AND SCORNED MY ABSOLUTE LOYALTY AND DEVOTION BUT DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE TO SPARE ME A SINGLE THOUGHT, OH NO, SOI FONG WILL JUST GET ON WITH THINGS AS NORMAL WHILE HER HEART IS SILENTLY BREAKING.**

"I'm so sorry," said Captain Kyouraku sincerely. "You should drop by sometime -- a cup of wine, several cups of wine, the chance to talk a bit, for have I ever said how much I value your tireless loyalty, your hard work, your extremely skimpy costume . . ."

The ninja agents vanished in simultaneous puffs of black smoke.

My Captain frowned. "What a pity. I really felt I was getting through to her there."

"There's still First Division, sir," I said hopefully. After all, if I was lucky, Captain Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni might be in a bad mood and unleash his fiery zanpakutou upon him with extreme prejudice.

"No, my darling Nanao-chan," Captain Kyouraku said firmly. "Not even for a gaze from your lovely eyes, a press from your beautiful hand, a clasp of your gorgeous body . . ."

I coughed loudly.

"I really think it's time to be getting back to Fourth Division," he concluded. "Assuming it's still standing."

---


	4. Chapter Four

**THE CASE OF THE THIRTEEN CAPTAINS**

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Captain Kyouraku led the way to Fourth Division. We could see the busy shinigami on all sides, clearing up the massive property destruction and acid burns left behind by Captain Kurotsuchi's Bankai. Once again, I was glad that we had decided to postpone our visit till after his departure.

We were quickly shown to the room where Captain Hitsugaya was resting. He lay there on his bed, sheet drawn up over his body, face still pale from the stress of the poison, cute hair adorably tousled, and I was reminded of the great affection that we of the Female Shinigami Association have for the sweet boy genius. Unfortunately, I did not have my sketchpad with me.

His Vice-Captain leaned over him, brushing his hair back from his forehead and assisting him in sitting upright so that he could drink some water. Her breasts brushed briefly against his face, and he flushed a sudden red, no doubt affected by a lingering remnant of the poison. I failed to pay much attention, as I was too busy in ignoring my Captain's murmurs about twin moons of delight.

(I would like at this point to state that the Female Shinigami Association takes great pride in its artistic endeavours. From Kotetsu Kiyone's photographic studies, to my own work with sketchpad and brush, to Kuchiki Rukia's sculptural presentations, to Hinamori Momo's hand-sewn dolls, we have always endeavoured to raise our focus to the Ideal through vigorous study of the Physical. But I digress.)

"He's feeling much better, sir," Vice-Captain Matsumoto informed my Captain, "though still a bit shaky." She set the glass down on the table by the bed.

"Glad to hear it." My Captain strode across to look down at Captain Hitsugaya. "We'll have you chasing the girls again in no time!"

"I do not chase girls," Captain Hitsugaya stated stiffly.

"Indeed he doesn't," Vice-Captain Matsumoto confirmed. "Every night he shuts up his office nice and early, and goes home to spend a virtuous few hours reading before an early bed."

My Captain shook his head sadly. "Such abstinence in one so young. I have little hope for the future of the world. But tell me, Hitsugaya-kun, did you notice anything obvious about those plums?"

Captain Hitsugaya sniffed. "Nothing at all. They tasted perfectly normal . . ." He grew even paler. "Do you think someone actually wanted to poison Captain Ukitake? Or was it a plot to poison me? Or was it a plot to poison him after I ate them? Or was it to poison me and then have someone framed for it? Or were they trying to poison me and then feed my body to a Menos Grande as part of a Twelfth Division plot to kill them? Or was it actually a plot to frame Captain Ukitake for my murder? Or --"

"Hush, hush," his Vice-Captain soothed him, drawing him back to rest against her chest. He assumed a board-like rigidity of demeanour, his mouth snapping shut.

"Do you expect to be murdered?" my Captain asked, with what might have been mistakenly taken to be a wistful tone.

Captain Hitsugaya's very hair seemed to bristle. "I have for a long time been aware of a persistent and malicious campaign against me. From the casual references to my height, to the comments about my age, to the **No Children** notices hastily fastened to the doors of drinking establishments -- not that I would consider entering them, of course -- to the suggestions that I might be somewhat small, not to mention the loudly expressed thoughts that members of the Gotei 13 should be taller than their own zanpakutou . . . In answer to your question, Captain, yes, I believe that there are those who resent my presence here."

"You're imagining it," Vice-Captain Matsumoto soothed him. "Nobody tries complaining about Vice-Captain Yachiru now, do they?"

"Nobody would dare," Captain Hitsugaya muttered.

"But no suggestions about overarching plots against Soul Society?" my Captain pressed. "No hidden relics which might bring us all down in cataclysmic ruin? No assassins? No lurking conspiracies? No plots to fake anyone's death and use the opportunity to seize power?"

"No." Captain Hitsugaya seemed vastly disappointed. "Why, do you know about any?"

"No," my Captain said reluctantly. "I hoped you might."

Further questioning proved only that Captain Hitsugaya had, as usual, seized upon Captain Ukitake's pickled plums, but had been sadly disappointed in their taste. He had also been present at the poison exhibition in Twelfth Division, but had not noted anything of particular interest, having been too busy shielding "his Hinamori-kun" from any possible danger.

On our way out, Captain Unohana informed us that the young Captain of Tenth Division would soon be released from her care. She needlessly smoothed a single hair back into place in her perfect braid, and stated in tones of smiling calm that should she find that my Captain was responsible for Captain Kurotsuchi paying a visit to Fourth, he would regret it by any and all means that she could possibly devise.

We left with all appropriate haste. I found this a wonderful incentive to persuade Captain Kyouraku to actually do some work.

---

Several days later, I regret to say, no progress had been made. Captain Hitsugaya had been released from Fourth Division, and had returned to his customary duties with his own Division, bringing a much-needed sense of order and discipline to the shinigami under his command. Of course, this freed Vice-Captain Matsumoto to return to her habitual drinking sessions with my Captain, bringing a much-needed sense of peace and quiet to my office.

It was at that point in the early evening when all seems most placid and most beautiful, when I was tracing with impeccable penmanship the first line of my report concerning Divisional readiness for action, and when the twin snores of my Captain and Vice-captain Matsumoto had reached their apogee, that Vice-Captain Abarai Renji burst into my room. "Have you seen Hinamori-kun?" he demanded.

I cast my mind back. To be honest, I had not been in close contact with the young woman for several days. When I had seen her in public places, she had seemed hushed and emotional, more prone than usual to relying on the judgement of "Aizen-sama", and almost as timorous as Vice-Captain Kira Izuru. (Which takes a great deal of effort.) In retrospect, I should have done more than enquire about her current reading matter.

I said as much to Abarai Renji, who rubbed at his tattoos fretfully. "Not that it's anything serious," he noted, "but I was passing by Tenth just now, and saw that there was some sort of disturbance going on, and thought that perhaps Hinamori could soothe Captain Hitsugaya down. With Matsumoto elsewhere . . ." He tactfully ignored the drunken bodies behind me.

"Perhaps," I suggested, "we could both go over and investigate."

"Might be an idea," he agreed.

Leaving a note for my Captain, pinned to the brim of his hat, I sped in Vice-Captain Abarai's wake. He led the way at speed to Tenth Division, where there was indeed, as he had said, a disturbance. Captain Hitsugaya had apparently gone berserk and gone into full bankai mode in the middle of the compound. His minions had fled, save for those few who were attempting to wave white flags while donning snowboots and mittens.

"Oi!" Abarai yelled at the top of his voice. "Captain Hitsugaya! Hold it right there!"

With a scream of soul-rending agony, Captain Hitsugaya directed his ice dragon at us.

"It must be an after-effect of the poison!" I cried out as we dodged. "Vice-Captain Abarai, can you subdue him without causing too much damage?"

"Leave it to me," Abarai said firmly, already settling his legs into a manly pose of decisiveness and extending his zanpakutou before him.

I felt I could safely entrust him with the situation -- or at least, could be sure that he would wear down Captain Hitsugaya somewhat while further help was summoned. However, something must have set this off. What could it be? I sidestepped the oncoming confrontation, and quietly stepped into Captain Hitsugaya's office.

At first all seemed much as usual -- a glacially neat desk with towering ramparts of paperwork squared off at the corners, a pile of empty sake jugs in the corner, a sofa with a sign on it stating **MATSUMOTO'S SPOT**. But certain matters were awry. A teacup lay shattered on the floor, the last few dregs now a stain upon the smoothed wooden planks. The chair had been pushed back from the desk and stood at an angle which did not match the neatness of the rest of the room. A swelling puddle of blood showed under the door of Captain Hitsugaya's private library.

I flung the library door open. There, in the middle of the room, lay the body of Hinamori Momo, lips still parted in an expression of shock. The evening light fell across her face from the window, giving an illusory peace to her face. She had been impaled by, it seemed, a single sword thrust, and lay in a pool of her own blood in front of the bookshelves.

Barely conscious of the sudden crash and then cessation of noise from outside, I dropped on my knees beside her. No wonder Captain Hitsugaya had been in such a state, if he had found her here like this! Yet, as I checked her vital signs, I realised that all was not yet lost; she still lived, she still breathed. There was a chance of saving her! I did my best to pad and bind her wounds, calling for help as I did so.

And yet -- I could not help but observe. She had been impaled by a single sword thrust that had passed through her body, from back to front; a thrust of such force that it had chipped one of the shelves in front of her, which showed a long scratch fresh in the varnish at what would have been the height of Hinamori's waist. She had been in a room which opened onto Captain Hitsugaya's office, and nowhere else; the window was impossible to enter through, set as it was with bars, even though the shutters stood open.

I could not say that I liked the direction in which this evidence pointed.

There was another crash behind me as Vice-Captain Matsumoto entered the room. She paused, and gasped. "What's happened here?"

"Hinamori has been stabbed," I said, and I must regret the note of annoyance that entered my voice at this need to state the incredibly obvious. "Are Fourth Division coming?"

"They're outside," she replied. "But at the moment they're getting Captain Hitsugaya into a nice comfortable straightjacket and strapping him to a stretcher. He seems to be a bit unstable. I tried all the usual methods of calming him down, but even the one with my breasts didn't work."

"I see. Please send some in here as well. And, ah . . ." I frowned. "Do you know anything about this?"

Matsumoto looked down at Hinamori's bleeding form in horror. "Only that Hinamori-kun was going to visit him this afternoon. Who could have done a thing like this?"

I thought it best not to comment.

---

"Describe the situation," my Captain said again, his feet propped upon Captain Hitsugaya's desk and his hat tilted over his eyes.

I frowned, recalling the details. "She was lying face up. But she had been stabbed from behind. Would it be possible . . ."

"Quite possible," Captain Kyouraku nodded. "If she was released from the blade with a sudden jerk, it is feasible that her body could have been spun round in falling, much as when . . . not that I would wish to sully your chaste ears with such images, my adorable Nanao-chan, unless --"

"Possible," I said briskly. "In that case, surely the person involved would have been close enough to have been spattered with blood himself."

"Indeed." My Captain raised his hat to regard me in a sombre and meaningful fashion. "If I did insist that Hitsugaya-kun be placed under close arrest and supervision, Nanao, it was because he did _not_ have any blood upon his extremely white and stainable coat. Someone is, to be frank, framing him."

I gasped. "But then, was the original poisoning also directed against him? Could someone have assumed that Captain Ukitake would automatically give him the plums to eat?"

"It is conceivable," my Captain mused. "Or that whoever did this had no qualms about murdering Jyushirou as well. These are deep waters, my lovely Nanao-chan."

"Is Hinamori-fukutaichou safely in medical care, sir?" I asked. I knew she had been taken away by Fourth Division, but as yet there was no word of her status.

My Captain sighed. "She is stable, but unlikely to be conscious for a while yet. And even when she is, I am not sure how much she will be able to tell us."

I had to nod. "She was stabbed from behind, after all. But if she noticed something odd . . ."

"Indeed," he cut in. "What about the reports on Hitsugaya?"

I consulted my book. "Fourth and Twelfth Division both report that in his system they found a variant of the previous poison, causing him to go berserk. It is _possible_," I emphasised the word, "that this was a resurgence of the previous poisoning, latent in his body tissues from then, and unprovoked by anything else."

"But you fail to believe that," my Captain pointed out.

"As do you, sir," I agreed.

Captain Kyouraku sighed. "It does little good to have a theory about the authors of these rephrensible crimes, including not only how they were committed but also where and when, if I cannot prove why."

"You have a theory, sir?" I murmured.

"Dozens," he sighed, with a lazy gesture of one hand. "And in particular, one which I believe to be correct. But I do not know why."

"A rapid answer would be useful, sir," I was moved to state. "Especially given Captain Aizen's attitude."

My Captain adjusted his careful posture. He had been the one who interposed himself between the angry Captain Aizen and the babbling Captain Hitsugaya, and the situation could not have been said to have gone well. "Indeed," he muttered, rubbing certain sensitive body parts.

I resettled my glasses. Clearly I could be of no further assistance here. "If you will excuse me, sir," I said, "I shall finish putting the administration for this Division in order. Vice-Captain Matsumoto has requested my assistance while she consoles her Captain through the bars of his cell."

"Of course." My Captain yawned. "Though I wouldn't have thought Hitsugaya-kun had left you much to do."

"Very little, sir," I was forced to admit. "I was struck by his diligence, his hard work, his meticulous nature, his absolute control of all details of his Division . . ."

Captain Kyouraku wilted in the chair.

". . . in fact," I concluded, "there is little to do except to hand in the daily requisitions and return some books to the archives."

The Captain stiffened. "Say that again, adorable, beautiful, precious Nanao-chan."

I repeated my words, in as clipped and precise a manner as possible.

He sprang to his feet in a swirl of robes and a flash of pinkness. "You have it!" He embraced me. "With those few words, my Nanao-chan . . . Nanao-chan, would you please remove your knee from there, yes, thank you, that will do nicely. Indeed! I believe you have resolved the situation."

"And what is the solution?" I enquired curiously.

"Simple!" he said, cheerfully. "You have placed the clue to the person's identity in my willing hand. I have but to close it, thus --"

I brought my book down.

". . . and the murderer shall be a palpitating mass of agony," he sighed, regarding his bruised fingers.

---


	5. Chapter Five

**THE CASE OF THE THIRTEEN CAPTAINS**

**CHAPTER FIVE**

In the day that followed the attempted murder of Vice-Captain Hinamori and the arrest of Captain Hitsugaya, it seemed that a darkness lay heavily upon Seireitai. Even my Captain drank his wine with an air of bitter frustration and stern effort. As for those more closely affected by the affair -- Vice-Captain Matsumoto, for instance, who trembled with frustration at not being able to assist her Captain, or the Vice-Captains Abarai and Kira, who had known Hinamori in her youth and remained her dedicated friends and colleagues -- their anger and vexation hung like a storm upon the air.

Captain Unohana called my Captain to her side. Naturally, I accompanied him.

"It may be pure supposition on my part," she began, her marble brow barely touched by the shadow of a frown, "but I believe that someone is attempting to assassinate Hinamori."

My Captain's eyes widened, then narrowed. I was reminded of those moments when the first light of the morning sun would strike him as he lay groaning upon the floor, though on this occasion he did not whimper piteously for mercy. "Now what makes you say that, Retsu-chan?"

Captain Unohana, her lips tightening slightly, stepped back to reveal a table covered with various bouquets, boxes of chocolates, flasks of wine, bunches of grapes, shoujo manga, and fluffy teddybears. "Poisoned," she said, smacking down my Captain's hand as he reached automatically for the wine. "All of them."

I gasped. "But who could have delivered so many things without being noticed?"

Both Captains gave me an approving nod. "You have put your finger on it precisely, Vice-Captain Ise," Captain Unohana stated. "None of Fourth Division have been able to pinpoint who left these at Hinamori's door. A few of them gave confused and contradictory stories of seeing various different people leave them -- Captains, Vice-Captains, and others -- but in all those cases, the person involved was elsewhere at the time and could substantiate their alibi. Despite the most strenuous of questioning -- up to and including my own Vice-Captain -- I have been unable to determine who is responsible for these."

"What poison is it?" my Captain asked.

Captain Unohana shrugged. "A wide variety, but including the one which was used in the attempt to poison Captain Ukitake earlier."

My Captain frowned thoughtfully. "Can you keep this quiet for the moment, Retsu-chan? Possibly even put it around that Momo-chan's doing worse?"

"Easily enough," Captain Unohana agreed. "I will simply have all her friends thrown out of my Division, board up her window, order a coffin, and inform my subordinates that they are on no account to tell people that she is on the brink of death. That should do the job."

"I see." My Captain nodded. "I'll, ah, leave you to your work."

The Captain of Fourth Division smiled gently. "Thank you for your assistance, Kyouraku. I shall remember this next time you call on me for hangover remedies. Now if you will excuse me, I must release my Vice-Captain from her chains."

My Captain led the way out with admirable vigour.

---

Back in his office, he flung himself down in his chair and brooded, hands folded upon his chest, hat tilted over his face. Accustomed to his changeable moods, I made to leave the office, but he halted me with one upraised finger.

"Sir?" I queried.

He frowned. "Nanao-chan, I need a list of all the books that Hitsugaya recently withdrew from the Archives. Also everything that anyone's withdrawn for, oh, the last year. And while you're at it, have those books of Hitsugaya's been returned yet?"

I cast my mind back. "I do not think so, sir. Indeed, I believe that was one of the things which he was raving about from behind the bars of his cell. He was hideously tormented by the thought of library fines."

"I see. In that case -- can you, hm. Find them, hide them elsewhere in Hitsugaya's library, and parcel up some others for Rangiku to return instead, in such a way that it looks like her fault?"

"Sir," I began. "I --"

He raised an eyebrow.

"-- will be back in a moment," I declared.

Five minutes later I had the data he wanted. Flash Step methodology is sadly limited by those who exploit it solely for combat purposes. Positioning Rangiku's wine bottles on top of the books for her to return was an established method for drawing her attention to things, and I could be confident that she would send them back to the Archives in error. After concealing the Archive volumes amid a complete set of **Your Zanpakutou And You: A New User's Guide**, I returned to my Captain with a feeling of conscious virtue, and firmly removed the winecup from his hand.

"Ah." He regarded the stack of papers with less than obvious enthusiasm. "Well done, Nanao-chan. Now, firstly I am going to have to go through these, and then secondly . . . hm. Perhaps we should reconsider this. Firstly, you are going to go through these and let me know precisely who has been borrowing the books which Hitsugaya has lately been taking out. And secondly, we are going to split up. There will be two different targets to guard."

"Sir?" I queried.

"Firstly, Rangiku-chan. It is possible that our attempted murderer will assume she is deliberately concealing the books. Probable, in fact. Secondly, Hitsugaya's office."

"It would make more sense, sir," I said without much hope, "for Matsumoto to be in the company of a female fellow officer."

My Captain raised himself to one elbow and looked upon me with horror. "Nanao-chan! How could I possibly expose you to the dens of vice and alcohol which Rangiku-chan frequents?"

"But you go there yourself, sir," I pointed out.

"Precisely," he declared, "which is why I know just how inappropriate for you they would be. Now. Research, research." He waved a vague hand at the documents.

I sat down and began to go through the data.

Half an hour later, I coughed loudly to rouse my Captain from his sleep. He sat up with instant vigour and wakefulness, muttering something about _is it dawn already, Jyushirou,_ which I am quite certain that I did not hear.

"Sir," I informed him, "I have some results."

"Ah." He leaned his elbows on his knees and regarded me intently. "Say on, Nanao-chan."

I adjusted my notes. "Of the books and scrolls which Hitsugaya borrowed, a high percentage were also borrowed by Captain Unohana, Captain Tousen, Captain Kurotsuchi, and Captain Ukitake."

My Captain sank back onto the couch. "Exactly as I expected."

I leaned forward, concerned. "Sir, surely you cannot mean that one of those could possibly be the criminal?" A thought struck me. "Well, of course Captain Kurotsuchi could easily be a criminal of the most appalling and depraved type, but --"

He waved a finger at me. "My Nanao-chan, trust me when I say that I believe I finally know what is going on. The only reason that I do not tell you my full deductions on the matter is that . . ."

"Because you fear that I am not a good actor and would give it away," I suggested.

"Of course not," he said firmly.

"Or because you are concerned that we are being observed or listened to at this very moment?"

"I do hope not." His eyes softened darkly as he regarded me. My spine stiffened in response.

"Or because you still have several possibilities in mind and are still waiting for evidence before you declare that you were certain all along."

"How can you suspect such a thing of me? But leaving that aside," he said hastily, "let us establish our plans to lie in wait for the criminal."

---

It was night, and I lay concealed within the rafters of Tenth Division.

After a somewhat complex arrangement in which I had apparently chastised my Captain for incomplete reports until he went off drinking with Vice-Captain Matsumoto -- an entirely unthinkable state of affairs, as I would certainly never let him go off drinking with the reports incomplete -- he had staged a public exit, while I had theoretically returned to Eighth Division for the night. However, careful use of kidou and a certain amount of climbing had allowed me to crawl into the junction-space between ceiling and roof, and I now lay there and endeavoured not to sneeze.

Accompanying Matsumoto to dens of vice and iniquity had never seemed so enticing.

My Captain had been sure that whoever was behind this would seize the opportunity to enter by stealth tonight, with Hitsugaya and Matsumoto so conveniently out of the way, and I could not argue with his logic. I had cast a quick eye over the books in question to examine their relevance, but could find little that seemed of use in such volumes as **Arrancar: A Creator's Guide**, **Vizored: How To Make Your Own At Home**, or **Meddling With Mod Souls**, all by one Urahara Kisuke.

There was the sound of quiet footsteps in the corridor. I lay there silently, watching through the loophole which I had contrived in the ceiling.

Matsumoto Rangiku stepped into the room.

How irritating. She must have managed to free herself from my Captain's clutches (a matter which can prove fraught with difficulty) and returned to complete some work. But even as I formulated that thought, it struck me how very unlikely such a thing was. After all, how often did Matsumoto return voluntarily to work, let alone late at night? And what was the likelihood of her doing so when alcohol was involved?

She scanned the shelves quickly, the moonlight streaming through the window turning her hair a beautiful shade of silver-gold. Her eyes fell on the books which I had returned to their position, and I heard a quick intake of breath. She leaned forward, bosom swaying, to remove the books.

Surely not. Surely it could not be the case that my colleague and friend, Matsumoto Rangiku, was behind all of this?

There were two possibilities. Either it was the case that Matsumoto Rangiku was a traitor and attempted murderer, or this was someone cunningly disguised as Matsumoto Rangiku. No doubt a wig and a false bosom would cover many of the parts of her anatomy which I could see from my location in the ceiling -- as, after all, Matsumoto Rangiku had a bosom that few in Seireitai could match. All I needed to do was leap down and wrench these away in order to uncover the criminal's true identity.

She straightened and turned around to put the books on Captain Hitsugaya's desk.

It was the perfect moment. In a single lithe motion I leapt down from my position in the ceiling, and as she spun round I wrenched open the impostor's robe to expose the deceitful imposture.

I was forced to admit, at that moment, that they certainly looked real. However, even the most skilful of visual illusions could not deceive the physical sense of touch. I grasped what lay in front of me, intending to prove its falseness before taking the criminal into custody.

"Nanao," gasped the person whose bosom felt strangely real to my fingers, "I never knew you felt this way." Her arms closed round me, trapping me against her, and her mouth descended on mine.

There was a cough from the door. "If I'm not disturbing anything --" my Captain's voice broke in.

I stamped down hard on the foot of the person who was embracing me, and broke free while she was squawking. "Captain!" I declared. "Arrest this person! She is not Matsumoto Rangiku!"

My Captain hesitated, eyes drawn as though magnetically to the impostor's open robe. "But, Nanao-chan, she certainly _looks_ like Rangiku-chan . . ."

"Impossible," I stated firmly. "Matsumoto Rangiku would never bother embracing me while," and I pointed, "there is an untouched bottle of wine on the desk there!"

For a moment all was silent.

Then a flash of light came through the barred window. I stood there, confused, as it seemed to fling my Captain across the room, casting him to the floor. In that long moment of terrible silence as he lay there with a long gasp, dark blood staining his pink flowered robe, I saw the full mechanics of Hinamori's attempted murder; the long blade, now retracting through the gaps in the window's bars, could only have belonged to one man in Seireitai. Captain Ichimaru Gin.

But all this was lost as I flung myself to my knees beside my Captain, my eyes fixed on the stain spreading across his robe. How could I now face the remainder of my days in Seireitai without him? How could I live without the best, the wisest man I had ever known? How could I . . . Tears welled in my eyes as I bent over him, uncaring alike of the fiend with the sword outside, and the imposter standing before us.

"My Nanao-chan . . ." he whispered, one hand coming up to touch my face. "Don't cry . . ."

I looked up at the tall figure standing over us. "Who are you?" I demanded, my hand sliding within my robe to grasp my blade. "I warn you, whoever you are and however you have disguised yourself, you will pay for this!"

The impostor laughed, and as she did, her body and face changed to those of a man: Captain Aizen stood there, his blade drawn and lying against my throat. "I fear, Ise Nanao, that you will not have the opportunity."

I gasped. "Captain Aizen!"

"Indeed," he said calmly. "I must congratulate you and your soon-to-be-late Captain on his deductions. It must have taken great skill to penetrate my disguise and realise my true identity and track me here. Few would have the ability to pierce the veils of illusion in which I shroud myself."

My Captain gasped, his breath barely audible. "Then -- the appearance of Rangiku . . ."

"An illusion, yes."

"The bosom . . ."

"Another illusion."

"Using Momo-chan . . . to poison Ukitake and Hitsugaya-kun by telling her that it was a cough medicine or something of the sort . . ."

"Indeed."

"The books from the Archive . . ."

Captain Aizen smiled. "It has been a worthwhile experience to exert myself against you, Captain Kyouraku. You have a full understanding of what has taken place. But I fear that the game is now at an end."

His hand tightened on his zanpakutou hilt, and I realised that my death was at hand.

In a swirl of blades my Captain came to his feet, as swift and sure as though he had never been wounded; his twin zanpakutou slipped from their sheaths to block Captain Aizen's own blade before it could cut me down. He stood between me and the criminal in a flowing motion whose smoothness could only excite my stunned admiration, and I must confess that it was not until that moment that I realised that the smell emanating from his stained wound had not been the odour of blood, but had instead been the fragrance of triple-matured plum wine.

"I don't think so," he said.

Aizen blinked, taken aback. His free hand moved to straighten his glasses. "Kyouraku? But --"

"Not only have you attempted to poison my friend," my Captain intoned darkly, "and succeeded in poisoning another Captain -- not only have you used and attempted to murder an innocent girl -- but your assistant managed to puncture the flask of wine I keep for emergencies. Sousuke-kun, I am most disappointed in you."

In a blink of motion Captain Aizen vanished, retreating outside via flash step methodology. In a second blink, my Captain and I followed him, each stepping to one side as we came out of the Divisional door to avoid the flash of steel that would have impaled us had we been a second slower.

"Looks like Ichimaru's still watching," my Captain said cheerfully.

Captain Aizen faced us, his zanpakutou still drawn. "I hope you do not think that you can win this, Kyouraku."

There was a crash from a nearby roof, and a great many flashes of extremely gaudy and public lightning.

"Actually, I do." My Captain smiled. "Tell me, would you back Ichimaru against Jyushirou? Because I don't believe that I would."

I frowned. While my Captain's confidence was no doubt justified, and his bringing assistance could only be applauded, I felt that we might have difficulty in taking Captain Aizen into custody. Not only was he a dangerous opponent, whose charming reluctance to engage in public combat against other Captains meant that he no doubt had unsuspected depths, but his ability to masquerade as other people possibly covered a wider facility with illusions. How, indeed, could we assume that the apparent Captain Aizen standing there conveniently in public view was actually --

What was so important that Captain Aizen had been prepared to risk everything to come back and get it?

I had total confidence in my Captain's ability to grasp my thoughts and to react to my actions. Without hesitation, I turned to face back into the office that we had just left, and began the incantation for the Flame Cannon kidou, my hands raised to target the desk and the library.

Twin gusts of wind knocked me to one side as Captain Aizen flung himself past me into the room, and my Captain followed him. There was a thunderclap of detonation as the two of them, tangled together in a firm grip -- that is, Captain Aizen had a firm grip on the books, and my Captain had a firm grip on him -- burst through the wall on the opposite side, tumbling together across the street on the other side, in a whirl of tearing clothing and muscular action. I followed apace, speeding after them, to come to a halt as they faced each other, regaining their feet -- except that they were now both the same. It seemed that two copies of my Captain faced each other, identical alike in muscular build and pink robes, each maintaining a grip on the other's clothing.

(The straw hat, it seemed, had come loose somewhere in the tussle.)

"Nanao-chan!" one of them ordered. "Stay back!"

No doubt this was how he had attempted to send poisoned items in to Hinamori Momo, disguised under a similar illusion. But how was I to tell the difference between the two? The physical likeness was visually perfect, down to the smallest detail of my Captain's carefully tended stubble, as was the scent of wine, and I could only assume that were I to touch him, I would find the same tactile precision that I had undergone while testing his imposture of Rangiku -- just as her plump yet yielding breasts had swayed within my hands, so similarly I would no doubt encounter firm yet supple muscles under these circumstances.

Ah. Of course. There were certain reflexes which no sufferer could ignore, certain habits which are programmed into so many of us once we have become accustomed to our daily life. With a few murmured words, I activated the kidou for a light fog. It swirled around the scene, dimming the buildings around us to shadows, and clung to my clothing moistly. The two Captains still stood there, focus tightly on each other.

"Nanao-chan --" the other began.

And it was at _that_ moment that I saw it in the Captain who had first spoken -- the fatal compulsion, the habitual twitch only known to the lifelong wearer of spectacles, the suppressed movement of a hand to wipe at smeared glasses. Without a word of warning, I launched my most powerful binding kidou at him. He shrugged it off, of course, but the fraction of distraction was sufficient for my own Captain to bring him to the floor and subdue him, a knee on his chest and hands locked round his throat.

It was with a heart free from care that I wiped my own glasses, and summoned Second Division to take Captain Aizen into custody.

---

On the following day, my Captain once more reclined in his office, having received the assembled plaudits of the Gotei 13, and regarded the piles of work on his desk with an air of serene confidence. "My beautiful Nanao-chan," he began, "no doubt you are wondering what the motivations of the two Captains were."

"Indeed, sir," I agreed. "I find myself uncertain why Captain Ukitake was targeted."

My Captain waved a careless hand. "Sousuke-kun knew that Jyushirou would offer the plums to Hitsugaya-kun. The plot was targeted at him all along. He persuaded Momo-chan that they were in fact soaked in cough medicine, and tempted her to offer them anonymously as a gift. Of course, once the poor girl realised what had been done, her days were numbered. He attempted to murder her while simultaneously incriminating Hitsugaya once again."

This had indeed been confirmed by the awakened Hinamori Momo, who had recovered from her coma. She was appalled by the cruel manipulation which her Captain had inflicted upon her, and her constant entreaties to be allowed to "talk to him in private" were sympathised with by those guarding his cell, but could not be condoned, no matter how frequently she swore that she really wasn't going to pound his head through the wall and do something unspeakable with a pair of pruning shears.

Captain Hitsugaya had, of course, returned to duty with Matsumoto's support. I had not been able to confess to her how Aizen Sousuke had taken on her appearance, as I did not want to outrage her modesty with descriptions of how he had allowed himself to be stripped and then taken me in his arms while clothed (or rather, unclothed) in her appearance. Fortunately, she was too busy assisting her Captain to ask for details on this point.

"And what is to be done about the two Captains, sir?" I inquired.

My Captain adjusted his hat. "Currently under heavy guard in the Tower of Penitence, watched by Second Division, restrained, collared, and chained. I think we need have no fear, since the last escape under such conditions a hundred years ago by Urahara Kisuke was surely an aberration."

His words relieved my pressing concern concerning the potential for escape. "In that case, sir, concerning your outstanding reports . . ."

He gazed up at me with a pained expression. "My Nanao-chan, I have just saved Seireitai, foiled two murderers, and resolved a case which has baffled the greatest minds of Soul Society!"

"Precisely, sir," I said crisply, "which is why I was attempting to inform you that I have completed them for you and they require only your signature."

His fond gaze lingered upon me. "And might my Nanao-chan pour me a little wine as well?"

"Alas, sir," I said without regret, "Captain Yamamoto awaits your attention in the main room, with what I believe is a new case that requires investigation."

In a swirl of robes my Captain rose to his feet and bounded to the door. Naturally, I followed him.

---


End file.
